I apologize to my son, myself, and anyone who is reading with us for not updating this as much as I should have been so far. I wanted to keep this and update it almost daily so that my turtle would know what kinds of ups and downs were going on in his little existance, in detail.
It has been a long road, I expected the first few months of this to bring happy tears to my eyes. To smile and laugh and enjoy every moment of this. Now, please do not get me wrong, every morning I wake up I am so overjoyed that God thought enough of me to give me such a blessing, and everytime he does anything new, or something he's done before, I smile as such a proud mommy...but this has also been the most difficult, unexpected thing I've ever gone through. I would not trade him for the world, but I sure did not expect to have a sick child.
Now, I admire and respect all mothers, those single, married, divorced, what have you. Being a mother is a full time job for anyone, and only some people are lucky enough to have their partner there all the time. But no matter how fairy tale, or not, your life may be, having a child who has something wrong with them is hard. I can't imagine being a parent of a child with a disease like cancer, or anything like that...and I am not saying I understand their struggle, but this has been one in its own.
The first week or so with our little joy was perfect. He was awake and not crying, just existing, opening his eyes and looking up at us. Then I had to stop breastfeeding and things went quickly down hill. I have had such anextreme connection to my son, throgh my entire pregnancy...one that brought me to the hospital just in time to deliver him before we would have lost him. However, knowing that I now, can not help my son, is the worst feeling. My poor little man screams all day, if he is awake there are very few happy times, very few moments where he is calm, or not in pain. Doctor after doctor, specialists even, can not figure out why my son screams, but they each assure us that what he does is not normal. One ER visit even led a few nurses to come in and almost wonder if we were hurting our little man... Imagine the pain that brought us.
I, now almost 8 weeks after having baby E should be preparing to go back to work, instead I am waiting on word that will allow me to know if I can extend that time even more due to the fact that no one would be able to watch him for us. We found a wonderful woman to babysit our little one, but she has other children she must also care for. I am telling you, it is impossible to care for yourself, let alone another child, or 4.
I cant imaigne my life without him, he has brought me through a lot of struggles this far, but in saying so..I have also been stressed beyond any normal measure as well. Enough to hurt my personal relationships...and it is not his fault, but my own. I say this because I have blamed myself for each thing that is wrong with him, no matter what it is that happens. I have been praying and asking God for forgiveness, patience, and the ability of sight. To see where these paths in my life are going to lead, which ones will dead end, and which ones will taper off into nothing, but do so gently. I just hope it is in The Lord's will to bring us all together in a happy family enviornment. I only wish the best for everyone.
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